A corney story
by ashess
Summary: what the title says. BV with ..stuff. lots of swearing and fun pocking at cliches. I think it's funny. But than again, I'm mental.


The worst bunch of clichés you'll ever read. Honestly. Written by me, ashess, with the help of my dear brother.

We're proud to be corny.* Holds up a corn-bar and smiles *****

(Disclaimer: I do not own DB, DBZ or DBGT!)

_a corny story_

Bulma hurried down the street, away from Yaumcha's apartment, nursing her bruised cheek. Tears ran down her face, and for once she was happy it was so dark around here.

Shecould not believe it! She'd caught that _bastard_ Yaumcha cheating on her, again!

And when she'd confronted him, while in the act, he'd hit her!

She just couldn't believe it. It was too much. 

She had almost reached her car in the darkened parking lot when she suddenly stopped, coming to her senses.

_Wait a minute._ She thought to herself. W_hat am I doing?_

What was she doing? Why hadn't she just stuck her blue steel 44 down his pants and emptied it?

Feeling more like the old Bulma wit the second, she turned back around to go do just that.

But, as she did, she found six, dark-clad, blurry man blocking her path.

They grinned at her. "Hello, gorgeous! Where do you think you're going?"

Bulma groaned. _Oh no. Not the hold up in the dark garage again!_

Oh, she knew where this was going! Bile rose up in her throat, but as she turned to run the other way, again, she found her path blocked By several more rough looking characters. It was only then that Bulma truly realised her predicament. "Fuck this."

She said, looking you right in the face. "Yeah, fuck you too! I know what you want! You want Vegeta to come rescue me again, heh? Well" and she whipped out her 44, socking four of the men right in the head.

Then, she smirked, blowing on the barrel before stating. "I've had enough of this crap. I'm not playing this game no more!"

(….) The men looked at each other a moment, shocked that four of their comrades had so readily fallen. But then their leader laughed. "Oh, bitch. You're gonna pay for that one. Bulma sighed, irritated. "Bloody persistent authors." And aimed straight for the man's ugly head.

Unfortunately, she was already out of bullets.

"What?" Bulma shrieked. "Hey, go screw a hedge hock you cheater! My gun has more bullets in a clip that that!"

Unfortunately, she had forgotten to reload after shooting practice. The blue-haired woman growled "Oh, right! Bitch! That's convenient."  
  


As the thugs closed in on her, Bulma wailed into the night. "You can't do this to me! You cheapskate x-rated author! Come back here, or I'll…" 

---

Back at capsule corp, Vegeta was happily training the night away, still trying to go superSaiyi-jin. He hovered in the air as the training robot's circled him.

Suddenly, he tensed, somehow feeling that dangerous muggers had surrounded him, and not just some robots. What was even stranger though, was that he felt.. Scared! Vegeta scanned around nervously, then slapped himself in the head.

"Get over yourself, baka. It's just a bunch of training bots. Nothing to be afraid of."

And he kept training.

---

Meanwhile, back in the parking lot, Bulma stood amongst the bloody remains of her attackers, happily dusting off her hands. "Yes, all that anger I worked up over you sure came in handy just now. Now if I could just find a way to get my hand on you, little miss Romance Writer…" 

And she hhmph-ed, fishing out her car keys and walking up to her red little convertible.

Bulma always had been a difficult woman. But, she wasn't out of the woods yet! "Not so fast!" called a screeching old lady's voice. Bulma tensed, turning around, only to come eye to eye with,…

Freeza!

"Whaaaaaaaaat!" she screeched as he smirked at her. "No! This can't be! You're dead! I saw you die!" The young scientist backed up against her car, but then took another deep breath as she caught site of a second freeza, and a third, and fourth, _fifth!_

Bulma was shocked beyond words, and well in panic as she did realise could not hope to fight off five freeza's all by her little self. 

The First Freeza just stepped back, still smirking. And then the left post Freeza spoke up, spreading his arms in a T-like pose. "I am Freeza!" and the second freeza crouched down. "and I'm Freeza too!" the rightmost "Freeza!" and the fourth "Freeza!" finally, the Freeza closest to bulma stated that he, too was "Freeza!"

"Together we are, the Freeza squad!"

Bulma just stared. This was impossible, she though. _Oh, come on! This IS impossible!_ Her mind reeled.

But, in fact, it wasn't; for after all, Freeza was a lizard. It is well known that lizards can grow back their tails when lost. But Freeza could go further than that; in fact, his lost tail had regenerated the whole rest of his body. And the same went for both his legs and arms.

Unfortunately for him, most of his brain had been lost, which explained why he had gotten so stupid all of the sudden.

Bulma sniffed, crossing her arms as she glared straight at us again, turning her back on all five Freeza's. "Oh yeah, sure. Tell you what, why don't you just let me fly right outta here and explain to everyone how I've always been able to fly, just had conveniently forgotten about it until now?"  
Unfortunately for Bulma, she really couldn't fly.

All Five Freeza's were looking a little sad as they were pointedly ignored by the earth woman. But then the first one smirked again, deciding to just bud in. "Is there something wrong, woman? I guess you just weren't expecting us, were you? I bet you're really scared, huh?"

Bulma sighed. "Oh, yeah. Petrified. Well, fine then 'eek, help me, Vegeta"."

---- 

Back at capsule corp, Vegeta had finally killed the last robot. He stood smirking at their remains, but then scowled as he decided it had been too easy. He walked up to the gravity machine, increased from two hundred G to two-fifty and called up another attack wave.

Just when he punched in the last numbers, he thought he heard that baka onna scream for him. Vegeta scowled. "I' m busy woman!" he called. "And I'm not hungry! Go poison some other poor man with your cooking."

---- 

"He's not coming, is he?" Bulma put her hands on her hips, tapping her foot on the floor impatiently. "admit it."

"Uh." The second Freeza said. "aren't you at least gonna ask what se want of you?"

The scientist just glared at him. "Not really." The second Freeza looked dejected. "But it's a real good reason. Come on, ask me."

"I told you, I don't give a fuck."

---

"WHAT! Oh no! five gigantic powerlevels. I have to get there right away!" Goku screamed. Don't worry, Bulma, I'll safe you!"

But, Goku couldn't make it. -"Yes I can."

No, he couldn't… because… he was eating. Goku growled. "Oh, come on. Gimme a break! Everybody's always making me out to be some idiot that only cares about filling his stomach. This is Bulma, for crying out loud. I've got to rescue her!" and he shot up.

But, he couldn't get anywhere… because he was… covered under a mountain of food! And he couldn't get out before he ate it all, which could tale a while.

"Fine, I'll use my instant movement." BUT! His arm was stuck under a giant anchovies and so he couldn't put his hand to his head to use the technique. 

"Oh, come on! Of all the lousy, god-damned fucking bitchy excuses I've ever heard…"

Sadly, Goku was stuck there until the end of the day.

--- 

"Oh, come on, ask him!" interjected the third Freeza. "It's real important to him!" –"Fuck off." 

---- 

Krillan looked up at the sky, interrupting his training here at Kame's house. He dropped his hands at his sides, letting the Kamehameha he had prepared slip away. "Don't worry Bulma!" He called, as he took to air, feet pulling ankle-deep water he had been standing in. "I'll save you!" and he sped up towards the parking-lot near Yaumcha's apartment.

Suddenly, he was tackled by a love-stricken female android! "What the-" he chocked out, before the two of them hit the ground. The ex-monk sat up a little dazed, then looked at the beautiful blond that had grabbed him. She battered her eyelashes at him before kissing him deeply. "Marry me Krillan!" she proclaimed. "I want to have your baby!" -"What?" Krillan chocked out. "Oh, come on! Of all the un-believable, prissy plots, this is the worst thing yet! Who's gonna believe something like this happening to an ugly short guy like me! It's just too far-fetched!"

--- 

Piccollo growled. "I'm really getting sick of this. But." He sighed, looking non too happy. "I guess it's up to me then!" and he took off from his desert domain in a blinding speed of light.

Suddenly, he was surrounded by beautiful Namekkian women!

-"What? But there's no such thing as a Namekkian female!" He screeched. Piccollo was totally baffled, for he had indeed always thought there was no such thing as a Namekkian woman. "WHAT?!"

in fact, he was so baffled that that was all he could say.

"**WHAT!?!**"

--- 

"just let him tell you, will you?" Bulma sighed, giving in. "Very well, Freeza's. What do you want with me?"

"Well, it's actually quite brilliant." Said the fifth Freeza, smirking that freezaish smirk. "I know how much all the Z fighters care about you, so…"

That fact of the matter was, Freeza had seen Bulma on planet Namek, and had fallen hopelessly in love with her. "WHAT?!?" yelled all five Freeza's and one Bulma in unison. The second Freeza shrugged. "Well, there you have it. We're in love with you and gonna force you to marry us."

"But" interjected the fifth Freeza. "What about Zarbon? I couldn't live with myself if we were to cheat on him like this." The other Freeza's mumbled something about having no choice, quieting down quickly.

All four Freeza's laughed in unison. "We're gonna make you marry us all, Bulma. And then we'll make you have so many children you'll never get that girlish figure back!"

Fifth Freeza: "Hey! You can't just make me disappear like that!"

(…) Bulma had miscounted before. There were, actually, only four Freeza's. 

"Fuck you." Said the fifth Freeza. "I'd rather not exist that be a cheating bastard any way."

Fine. -"Fine!" FINE!

--- 

(grumble) SUDDENLY! Vegeta realised Bulma was in trouble. 

"Hey. The onna's in trouble." 

Vegeta smirked. "Serves her right, the meddlesome bitch." And he turned back to his training program. 

Something about leaving her to her faith clenched at his heart though. "I'll ignore it. I'm real good at that." The Saiyi-jin prince stated flatly to the audience.

(…) But he _really_ knew he had to get to the onna right now. "Look, Valtentina Valery, or whatever your author's name is, I'm the prince of Saiyi-jins. I've cancelled my contact with Freeza, and I'm not looking for new employment. 

I don't _have_ to get to any onna _ever_. Piss off, I'm training."

--- 

"Oh no!" Gohan stated as he closed his math-book. "Bulma's in trouble! I have to go safe her!" he ran for the door. But Chichi intercepted him.

"Where do you think You're going, you man! What about your studies?" she stated, glaring down at her son. Gohan belatedly realised his should have gone for the window. "But mom!" whined the little boy. "It's Bulma! She's in big trouble."

"Bulma? Hmmm. Well, that changes it!" chichi stated cheerily. "You hurry back now!" (?) But, chichi knew gohan had to study. 

"Don't be silly! This isn't gonna take another year. Besides, Bulma's my friend too, and it's important to all of us that she's safe." But…. Gohan had a test tomorrow. Better yet! He had three tests, and if he didn't ace them all, he was gonna flunk the year.

"Oh." Chichi looked a little sad. "Well, if it's like that, I'm sorry hun. You can't go. I'm sure Bulma will find someone elseto rescue her. We _are_ talking about your future here."

"Ah, mom!"

--- 

The four remaining Freeza's continued to chuckle, and Bulma really was beginning to get worried. Was no-one going to safe her from this terrible fate? Not only was she sure to loose her figure, but her children were bound to be ugly white lizards too!

"Bulma!" a little voice called. "Don't worry, I'll save you!" and Chautsu flew up from behind a parked car. "Hah! I sneaked in here so I could come safe you! Come on, Bulma, grab my hand and-."

Then, the fourth Freeza stepped on him.

"Ah, man!" Chautsu looked down unhappily from King Kai's planet. The little clown groaned as the illustrious King Kai himself made his way towards the unlucky Z-fighter "Chautsu, good to see you! Say, isn't this the third time this week you've visited? Oh, never mind. I've just thought of this great new joke. What do you get when you mix a bucked of water with…"

---

Just as the first Freeza grabbed Bulma to take her aboard his ship, Vegeta arrived in a blur of light. The Saiyi-jin prince landed with his back to the small group, arms crossed and a scowl on his face. "Vegeta!" Bulma exclaimed, surprised. "I didn't think you'd actually come. "…Neither did I." Grumbled the Saiyi-jin, then Turned to look at his opponents. "Daaaah!" exclaimed the prince, sounding for all the world like Krillan. "Four Freeza's!"

All four Freeza's scowled. "Well, well, if it isn't the deserter. We've got words we want to have with you young man!"

Vegeta, noticing one of the Freeza's had grabbed Bulma got so mad he made the transition to superSaiyi-jin.

-"This is a dream, this is a dream. This is a bad, bad dream." The little Saiyi-jin mumbled, skirting back. 

"Arch! Vegeta, snap out of it and kill those goons already!" Bulma screamed. 

Vegeta, _noticing_ one of the Freeza's had _grabbed Bulma_ got so MAD (grr), he made the transition to superSaiyi-jin. 

"Uh, you've gotto be kidding me, woman! There're four of them. How about I come back later and…" 

Bulma turned a little red in the face. "Oh, come on, you've just turned SuperSaiyi-jin, remember? It should be a cinch." Finally noticing, Vegeta smirked lightly.

"Well, actually, Goku only just managed to beat the first Freeza, but." And he extended a palm, incinerating the third Freeza. Then did the same wit the second and fourth, until only the first remained, clinging on to Bulma for dear live. 

"Hmm…" Said the Saiyi-jin prince. "If I try shooting you now, I could hit the woman instead. 

Oh well." 

And he shot the last Freeza anyway. 

Luckily for Bulma, his aim was true. As the smoke cleared, Vegeta steed staring at his palm. "Dammit. That was so easy, it wasn't even satisfying." Bulma was less then happy too. "Prick." The woman stated, then shrugged. "Oh, well. Thanks for rescuing me and all. Well, I'm going." 

Vegeta also shrugged, returning to his normal, black-haired self as he prepared to shoot on home by himself.

THEN! Bulma realised Vegeta had gone SuperSaiyi-jin for her. 

Bulma smiled. "Is that true?"

-"Is what true?" Vegeta asked, oblivious.

Bulma smirked a little, wrapping her arms around the smaller man. "You know. I think that's so romantic."

-"Uhhhh…"

--- 

*** 

Yaumcha stared up at the ceiling in his apartment, a fond smile on his face, then turned to look at his beloved. 

His smile was quickly wiped away as he looked upon the woman, though.

"Who the_ fuck_ are you?"

The blond little ditz sat up, quickly covering herself with a sheet. "Jane Doe, you know."

Yaumch humped out of bed, panicking. "No I don't! Who are you! Where's my Bulma?" The little ditz scrubbed her scalp. "You cheated on her with me remember? Bulma left. You hit her."

-"No! uh-uh. Did you drug me?"

-"NO!" 

Yaumcha didn't believe her.

"Oh, come one, girl. You expect me to believe that _I_ cheated on Bulma, and she caught me, and then _I_ slapped _her_?" The girl looked up at him confused. 

"Yeah, you hit her hard too." 

-"HAH! There's just one flaw in your story, Jane-woman! Explain to me, if this all occurred, how come she didn't kill me, huh?"

Yaumcha scowled. "Well?"

Jane pouted. "It was the author, really. I didn't do anything…"

"Whatever. Get out of here, and don't bother coming back."


End file.
